I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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