My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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