I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
