could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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