she looked like the before picture.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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