umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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