It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
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I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
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I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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