I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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