My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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