why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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