Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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