i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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