My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
