she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
