she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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