But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I met the friendliest cop last night
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he thought i was a dude.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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