I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
