you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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