At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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