we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
