based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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