Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
