I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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