He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I AM VODKA MAN
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
