just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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