Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
