shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.