Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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