I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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