He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
