Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
