mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Acid is not a monday night drug
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
