i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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