how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you had me at cake vodka
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
