If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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