once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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