Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
