matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
