I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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