My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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