i already hear my dad disowning me
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
