Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
NoShamevember. You game?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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