"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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