I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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