Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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