It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
