oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
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