they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
