I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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