Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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