just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we're so committed to being not committed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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