I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
