I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
