At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
