Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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