I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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