Im at strip club and am horny
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
