I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
