Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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