Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
